Anger and Depression

Those are two kind of big and scary words.

I struggle with both.  

I am angry, mostly at myself, because I feel like I missed so many obvious signs of what was going on around me, whether it be with Landon or other areas of my life, marriage, kids, etc....

I get angry because it is hard to find someone who understands the unique position I am in, or that of the rest of my family.  We are all, to some degree, struggling to handle some unique problems.

I feel, as the mom, I should be emotionally available to them to help them with whatever, whenever and also be "tuned in" to what is going on with them.

I have to admit, I have so much of my own emotional ups and downs, that I feel I am letting my family down most of the time.

I also get angry at the unfairness of it all.  I am like, "OK,  I chose to have children, so whatever I get is what I deal with, fine....but my kids, they didn't choose to have a brother who has autism and a mother who is really still struggling to come to terms with that and other issues.  They didn't choose this."  It is really unfair to them, I want things to be as fair as possible, so I try to make up for some of it, even if it is in just some small way.

So, I feel horrible that they miss out on stuff and sometimes I am the cause of that.

The guilt I feel over some things is almost unbearable at times.  I fear that I am not doing a good enough job to prepare them for life and the pursuit of their dreams, whatever those may be.

I suppose every mother worries about that.

I also get angry because most people in my life don't seem to understand that so much of what has happened to me has been completely out of my control.  I did not choose to have certain events in my life take place and I don't believe, at this time, that I did anything to cause them or bring them about by some indirect means.  There have been several significant, emotional "disasters" in my life, that may be a bit too dramatic of a word, but maybe not.  They were pretty bad.  I have had major emotional responses and reactions to those events and have not had anyone to help me deal with them.  The only advice I have received is to "just do the right thing"...problem is, I am not really sure what that is.  The other advice I have received is "to just snap out of it"....that's my favorite, I wish someone would please tell me how to do that.   It is hard to "snap" out of something that you keep getting reminded of over and over again.

Depression, they say is "anger turned inwards"...I don't know about that, I just know that at times, I feel an almost unbearable sadness and it is about so many, many things.  Most of it has to do with what things may or may not happen for my children, things they won't get to do or haven't got to do, and some of it is for me.  About things I may not get to do, or have missed out on.

So, I do my best to deal with these times, when it all seems to come crashing down on me and weighing me down.  That is happening right now, during the holidays, no less.

I am not dealing with it very well.  I am trying.  I would like to have someone to talk to, but right now there isn't anyone.  I am trying to find someone I can discuss my feelings and emotions with.  I am hoping that if  I do, then they won't seem to so overwhelming to me.

I am also hoping that it will help me to help my kids.  I want them to be as emotionally healthy as possible.

Landon has been "on" and "off" lately, some days are good, some are kind of bad.  I think he is trying to adjust to all the changes around here lately.  They are temporary, the tree, decorations, etc...but changes for him none the less.  I try to support him the best I can, but it gets tiring and exhausting, especially when no one is supporting me.  I don't feel like I have much of anything left for anyone or anything else.  I also can't help but think, that he is responding to my state of emotions as well.  He may be more sensitive than I know.

No, I am not intending to be a big baby about all of it.  I do what I have to do.  It's just like most people, I need a break once in a while and I don't get it.  I feel like I always have to be "ON" and on top of things and it is exhausting!!!!  

So, I guess this is my "vent" for the day.  It helps to type it all out.  I can give myself the necessary "kick in the butt"  and get back to it, sooner or later.

Have a Merry Christmas!